Rain (4 to 23 hours, 5 minutes, and 41 seconds)
I always love it when chapter titles have spoilers for what will happen next. What on earth is it counting down to? This is the most tame part of the book in terms of themes, but it is also… graphically heavy on drug use, in certain parts. I wrote this, as well as the rest of the latest draft, after a world-ending breakup. From hereon out, the focus is not on the (as you could have gathered) other trauma that I’ve experienced but rather the much more easy-to-relate-to experience of losing love, and the toxic experiences I experienced getting back with an evil ex. This part, specifically, is about running around afterwards.
I’m open with you guys, at some level more than everyone else in my life, because you’re reading the most raw form of my emotion. That is what Rain is to me.
I was incredibly suicidal during the relationship I had left when writing this book, and even moreso after. Every day I lived believing it was my last, and I lived as such. This stretch of Rain is one I chose specifically, given the opportunity to cut at any point in the fifth chapter (yes, the next two-ish parts will all be chapter 5) because it has its own thematic microplot mirrored by the presence of my second favorite character, Sahara. The conversations Sahara and Kaikki have are the most important on showing his ambition. Nevertheless, I feel as if this stretch of time is heavily overshadowed by what is to follow.
This is relatively tame compared to the rest of the book.
Nevertheless, everything in this book is based off of some real life event I or someone I’ve known has been through, with the exception of the obviously fictionalized parts, but that does not mean it is made for everyone. It is a book full of themes about suicide, sexual assault, murder, abusive relationships, and, above all, death and suffering. I’ve long seen it that life is a winding road full of boring pitstops and car crashes and I wanted to represent that world through the one in Rain. If you want to read this, please be my guest, but I will find you stronger for not reading it if you don’t want to.
Oh, also, I wanted to start this with the most amazing chapter title ever written.
Fifth Inscription
Kaikki Mitä Haluat On Elämän Vastaan Siis Pyydä Mahdotonta of Rain
Zina, in his pool, is crashing upon me; all of this knowledge is falling upon me, all of this water is raining on me.
It’s all coming out of me. Everything. Every moment of suffering, every moment of joy… My humanity itself is coming out of me, along with my blood, guts, the food I ate before I was raped, and the cum the oracle stuffed in my mouth.
I feel bugs crawling over my skin, and I believe that I have willed them to exist as such; I can do anything now, and my mania has consumed me; I am god; I am Kaikki Mitä Haluat On Elämän Vastaan Siis Pyydä Mahdotonta, god of everything; I am to make bugs crawl on my skin when I feel the wind brush past the hairs on my arm, and I am to delete them when I get bored of it.
I can control every single part of my body at once, and as I am made of the same star dust as everything in this universe, I am to control it as well.
Elämä, I can control you. Namuš, I can control you. Kigali, I can control you. I can control everything. I understand that shortly I will tell you that control is a myth, as I have already written the final chapters of my story, but I will continue to believe I can. That lets me do it.
The sky above me, the sun, the stars, the wind and the clouds are all wrapping around my head and my soul like a halo. One so tightly wrapped around it that it forces it back into shape, and its eroded dust now condenses into pure diamonds that shall never falter.
“Massu, I feel the need to explain myself to thee.”
On the Human Soul
1
There is no level of endurance that can match what the human will go through. Suffering is an inevitable fact of life that nobody shall ever be able to avoid, for that is the definition of inevitable. Such circular reasoning as I have presented just now is to be expected from further writings. You see, everything that I think and that is written on the pages of the mind of Me is that which has only come to fruition by my own experience. I love to believe that everyone has suffered as I, but truthfully I believe few have, and I wish this to be the truth. I, however, have endured, and as all who’ve suffered have done, I will owe it to my suffering. There was no value in it, and I see that, but I will continue to believe I am better, for that is what the human soul cannot avoid.
Suffering and pleasure are tied together as one: one must suffer to have brighter moments: those in pure darkness will be elated to see the night sky, and those who live in the night forever cannot believe their eyes when they see the sun. Thus is the nature of our souls: endurance. To live is to have never been born, and this follows the truth of all things: to be happy is to have been sad in the past. This absurd nature of our being is one that inherently belittles us to force others unto pain so that we no longer feel lonely, or because we do not have the control to limit our inhibitions for we have not yet suffered enough. You see, this follows these universal truths as well: to suffer and impose it is to be happy, and to have not suffered and impose it is to be guilty and sad: they are tied together, suffering and joy, as a mother to her child, and a child to his own. Oracle! Come.
2
I present to you the most disgusting being to have ever existed: one controlled entirely by lust and animal desire. It is not human, but close enough that it exists within our realm.
To be within his presence reminds me of terrible things which have happened and redefined my life in ways that I do not even want to think about, but I am manic and powerful and God himself, so I am surely capable!
This is my maker. Every moment of manic joy is consequence of the incredible sadness imposed by his actions and how much they hurt me (either that, or by the Massu, who surely hurt me more but whose actions were so spread out that it’s hard to blame him as much as I can the oracle), and I hate him entirely for that. I was happy with my girl and our little situation where we had to hide from everyone, and I would’ve been able to survive with her death, knowing that I can love her eternally and that she would’ve grown more and more idealized in my mind until nobody can match the image I had of her. You see, to reminisce on that would be the greatest joy, and to imagine reliving it would be even greater. No sex or love after that would match what I would’ve had in mind if such were to occur. Thus is the truth of the human soul, thus I spoke; thus spoke all who’ve suffered, as they know it truthfully in their minds.
With this truth comes another: if all joy is relative, it must be up to perspective whether one is joyous. As information fills my mind and divinity replaces my body, I see thus: the stoics, buddhists, and even modern spiritualists have seen this to be true. I understand that I blame my suffering for having made me so joyous and manic, but I understand that I would never have to reach these heights if I were born in Kigali. I would never have seen my lows, either. I believe that every human has some great sin and virtue within them that they cannot erase, no matter how hard they try, and the following are mine: greed and charity; they are in opposition to each other, and they are each of my two halves. I will take everything possible to give to everyone else, and with my clouded eyes I take it to be that all humans are victim of greed as their greatest sin (lust, of course, the close second which takes our humanity away) and is the reason for all suffering. Not in the way in which suffering comes from greed, but that by taking we are taking from others. The paradise in Kigali has nothing to take; no greed can be expressed, and thus no suffering will come with it. My whole plan hinges on such bets, but if I fail then I simply would have relocated life to the afterlife. I see nothing wrong with possible failure, and everything proper with success: this is the right path to take.
Fifth Inscription, continued
I have returned to sanity. Goodbye to my mania and the love I had for it, but its embers still leave me with a divine nature.
I would love to fight life as I had with Zina, but to imagine destroying the whole universe for my lofty goals would be a stupid thought. What I plan to do is quite similar, of course, but by cutting this cycle off at its roots, I can ensure that none suffer in death.
To kill life instantly is to do it swiftly. I will minimize suffering, bring all things to reincarnate in Kigali, and save the world. The only way I can think of is to end death, my dear friend, as it’s clear our universe is held by gravity.
I would love to speak with Elämä, and convince her to follow my plans, but the way she speaks is through tragedy. I will not speak such a foolish tongue, pero ya puedo convencerme mi cuerpo hablar unas más inteligentes. The breaths that leave my body are shaky and crumble as they leave: the body I have will deteriorate soon, and with it I will be replaced by something far greater: something which I fear will not be able to achieve my plans, for it will bring me to replace Zina. The golden hour I have now is one which is as fleeting as any other human life, and the second chance I’ve been given in godhood will certainly not last long.
I must die as a human so my divinity can save us all.
I must find gravity and speak with him, as he is no longer present in my being. Undead, I am unshackled by his realm, and I can surely fly.
I must fly.
Away from this world, to a well of gravity. This beautiful, orange, black, powerful well of gravity.
Propelled by my insurmountable will, I arrive at the largest black hole in our universe in an instant. I can only wonder what the Massu is thinking having watched me fade out of his world, but I do not care for him. It’s beautiful. Orange sparkles of pure energy and hawking radiation swirl around and through me with such heat that I cannot help but compare it to a sauna. I reach out for one of these pieces of atomic soup, which with enlightened eyes I can see clearly, and grab it. I swirl it around in my fingers like a grain of sand, and throw it back into the disc of energy. All things here feel serene and peaceful, and the stars around me shine so brightly that I feel like I am finally at peace. It’s like the sky of Kigali, and being reminded of it makes me feel even more sure of my journey thus far. I must charge forward, no matter what.
In front of me is a well of gravity so strong that I sincerely believe it could swallow me, but I have no choice but to enter.
I feel my body stretch and return to its proper form as nostalgia fills my body. This reminds me of Namuš, and how he had done such similar things to me. I am falling into the embrace of my friend, and I will hug him tightly.
Do you know the way that I felt? Do you know the way that I can’t lose?
Everything I’ve seen led me here. Do you know the things that I can do?
Tear me apart, gravity. I want you to.
Stars bend around me as I near the center and flashing beams of light pass around me like raindrops. The heat of friction within my body is so strong and the eternal cool that I’ve felt my whole life has finally, for one moment, been warmed.
“Namuš, it feels like it’s been so long since I’ve seen you.”
“It truly has, Kaikki.”
“I added more to my name, as you permitted.”
“Excellent, what is it now?”
“Kaikki Mitä Haluat On Elämän Vastaan Siis Pyydä Mahdotonta.”
“Ah, amazing! Just what I had expected from you,” he laughed.
I laughed along with him, as I have always strived to do with a friend: “I suppose it is. How have you been?”
“Ah! Bored, I’ve missed you, dear friend!”
“Likewise! I was looking forward to this moment.”
“Of course, as was I.”
“I have a request for you. One that pains me to ask.”
“Then it pains me as well! Tell me, Kaikki, and I will surely find some way to help you.”
“I want to kill life.”
“Ah, and how can I help?”
“I knew you would be eager, but the methods are terrible. You know as well as I that the universe is held by gravity, and that is you. I want you to cease existence, so that life does as well.”
“I’d had this thought for a while, but none to agree with it.”
“It’s painful to feel alone, is it not?”
“Of course! I’m glad you agree.”
“I am too.”
“I will do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Haha! How you’ve grown. You’d weigh the life of a friend over your goals?”
“I suppose it’s stupid, but part of me would.”
“I’ll make sure that part doesn’t have to interfere. I will do it.”
“Thank you.”
“So, you truly believe this will work?”
“I’ve bet everything on it.”
“Then I have as well! Death shall not fear death.”
“It’s hard for someone who was once human to agree with that,” I laughed.
“It’s alright. I was not; and I am quite shocked that you have attained godhood. It was not something I believed possible.”
“I want to save you, is there any way I can?”
“Maybe, but I do not know.”
“That’s tragic.”
“It will all be okay.”
“Thank you for comforting me, it’s not something I’m used to.”
“Me neither, friend.”
We chuckled together, and I continued: “I would give everything to save you.”
“Then you shall! Are you still satisfied with death?”
“Always! He is one of my greatest friends.”
“Bring gravity to Kigali.”
“How?”
“I do not know, but you will find a way, my dear friend. You are a genius.”
“I am honored to hear such praise from you, Namuš!”
“I am honored to give it.”
“I have run out of things to say, and I do not want to ask you to die.”
“You don’t need to.”
“No, no – give me one day to tie loose ends.”
“So it will be!”
24:00:00 remaining
I’ve flown back to earth, to the tip of mount everest.
There are others climbing here, but they have not noticed me yet. Part of me wants to say hello, to shock them with my nakedness in the cold, and reveal my strength, but the other half of me wants to stay humble. They are all clothed in orange jackets and black pants to protect from the cold.
Being above the clouds is a feeling that is not new to me, but it is still novel and beautiful. I feel like I am in heaven, and have surmounted all odds. The journey I have faced is trillions of times harder than those who climb here, but their journeys beforehand were likely so difficult they had no choice but to find something to overcome. Their personal challenges, like mine, are much harder than climbing the tallest mountain.
Mountains exist to be climbed. I did not climb it.
I teleport to the climbers – or, fly at such high speeds that not even I can notice the travel time, I suppose – and greet them.
“Hello, climbers. I want to race you.”
I, from their perspective, am a demigod standing in front of the sun. My body has grown slightly more toned, like that of a greek statue. The leaf that covers my genitals flutters in the wind, as does my hair, and my body is clean.
Many of the crowd are too stunned to speak. One of them bows before me, chanting in a foreign language (to me, of course, it is understandable): “praise Shiva, praise Shiva, praise Shiva” and for the fun of it I grow an extra pair of arms.
Zina, would this not be useful?
The bravest among them walks to me and speaks.
“Alright. Are you starting from here?”
“The bottom. You have a head start.”
“You sure you can win?” he said, with incredible confidence.
“Ha! The uncertainty is the fun of it. I will not fly. I will only use my strength to keep it fair.”
“Alright.”
“As soon as I disappear, start walking once more.”
“Alright.”
I float over to the bowing climber and speak in, which I now recognize as, Hindi, saying: “I am not Shiva, though we fill the same role. I will end the world in exactly one day, and I ask that you make peace with this fact. Spread the message, if you want. I can bring you all to your families if you so desire.”
Before she has time to respond, I teleport to the base of the mountain.
23:53:38 remaining
Having been to space and seen things much larger, Everest is no longer so impressive. My once human eyes shudder at its size, nevertheless.
Being aware that my experience changes the value of future experience, I know truly that my journey has led to the right choice.
I want to jump over this mountain. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of. Isn’t fulfilling my dreams what I made time for?
I squat down to prepare for a jump, and strain every single fibre of muscle in my legs. I believe that it’s quite possible I made more muscle to strain. In what felt like an eternity, I extended my legs with the most force I could ever squeeze out. The ground next to me crushes into dust with the awesome force of my leap.
I fly through the air as the cold wind cuts my face. Snow falls on me but my ridiculous speed heats it and melts it to steam. The whole mountain is a blur at this speed and it’s hard to keep my eyes open. I use all four of my arms to push the air away from me, not only to make it less uncomfortable but to increase my speed. I reach the top in about 20 seconds, and tap it with my hand. I push myself a little to be able to reach the other side on the mountain, and end up falling face-first into the ground. I get stuck about 35 feet in and have to claw myself up. I repeat this twice more and finally reach the summit on my fourth jump.
On the last, I stop at the tip of the mountain, cleanly ahead of the climbers. They’re about only 10 minutes from reaching the tip.
I sit down and wait for them, appreciating the view. It’s a waste of time, but I’m okay with that. I want to wait.
As they arrive, few are shocked to see me waiting for them.
The devout prayer aforementioned runs over to me with the little strength she had left and bowed at my feet. The confident one followed her, but did not bow, and I imagine he was too stuck up to. I find that quite beautiful.
I want to sing! I want to make poems. About love, grief, all of the human emotions I’ll lose so soon. I want to scream them at the top of my lungs, so loud that everyone can hear! I know I can do that. I must craft something elegant.
“Do you all want to party?”
“With a god?” the devout asks.
“I’m mostly human for now.”
“What’d we do?” the confident one asks.
“I’ve never drank. I’ve never been high.”
“You wanna try all that?”
“I’d love to.”
“Alright, then, in celebration of us all reaching the summit, we’ll party.”
We all vanish to the Elegant Devotion, Summer Prayer.
“Where’s this?”
“My home. Confident climber, what is your name?”
“Mary.”
“It’s a woman’s name!”
“I know.”
I can read his mind. He’s a little embarrassed.
I feel like Sish.
23:49:10 remaining
“So, are we partying here?” Mary asks.
“I want the people here to party.”
“Why do you want to party?”
“I make the best art when I’m crazy. When I’m high on life! I want to make a poem so beautiful that the whole world deserves to hear it.”
Everyone starts taking their coats off, realizing the extreme heat of this hell. With a snap, I replace their clothes with whatever they wore to the last party they went to. Only the devout remains in her coat. There’s only seven of them, three girls, four boys.
“Devout climber, what is your name?”
“Sahana.”
“Beautiful! Have you never been to a party?”
“I wish to be pure; the left hand path to enlightenment is nothing to me.”
“So, you’re no Aghori?”
“An Aghori? I would never spend my time having sex like an animal, drinking, doing drugs, or cannibalizing in the name of any god.”
“Do you wish to leave?”
“Yes.”
“So be it: where do you wish to go?”
“Send me back to the mountain. I will meditate for my last few hours.”
“So be it! I respect you, Sahara. You are an incredible person.”
“Thank you, god.”
I snap and she vanishes.
“Come with me, climbers!”
I crash through the doors of the rustic main hall building to see the bustling movements of the ant colony I once called family. They are eating pitiful food, drinking dirty water, and having boring conversations. It’s just a wooden cube, that’s the most beautiful thing the Massu could come up with.
“Everyone! It’s me. Mashlum, your peer! I have a new name, one which I am glad to share with you: I am Kaikki Mitä Haluat On Elämän Vastaan Siis Pyydä Mahdotonta!”
I retract my second set of arms as people come rushing to me. My friends, family, and everyone I’ve ever met looks at me with reverent eyes. I despise it. Am I not like them? What makes me so special? I’m human too. I have all the power in the world, but was I not born human? Do I not feel like a human? Do I not act like a human?
I vanish back to Namuš. The black hole grasps me much more gently than before.
“Namuš! I returned to my home, and I was treated like a stranger.”
“You are welcome here, with open arms, whenever you wish.”
“Thank you, dear friend. I wanted to take a break and enjoy your presence some more.”
“Stay as long as you wish!”
“I’m afraid I won’t stay long. I can’t leave them waiting, but I will return. Do you wish to talk about books when we reconnect?”
“Of course, I have read many.”
“Haha! How?”
“Does a story not end? I see its death, and as a piece of art all parts have died.”
“That’s an excellent way to see it, Namuš. Well, I am excited to speak later!”
I return a few seconds later.
23:47:24 remaining
“I’m sorry for my absence, everyone. I spoke with an old friend to comfort me.”
Gasp! It seems the party has started without me! Conversation has begun! The six remaining climbers all seem to be teaching my friends of the outside world. But… but, but, but… has my presence shifted their attention ? I am not special!
“If my godhood is so novel to you; if my godhood is so unique to you, if it takes your attention away, then we shall party all as demigods! That way, we won’t be so different after all!”
Do they hate me?
I snap my fingers and they all begin to levitate.
“Will yourself to the ground, partying friends!”
Many fall, and others realizing the nature of flight soar higher to the ceiling. Laughter crowds the hall and smiles paint the walls. The attention is no longer focused on me; I am one of them, and we are now peers once more.
Oh, there’s something I should do first.
I speak to the world: “Everyone, live like there is no tomorrow! There will not be. Make peace with your enemies, love with your friends, and do all the good things you’ve always wanted to. Sin is on the table, of course, but why would you ever do that? Be good people; make everyone happy. They’re going to die too.”
Let’s put some ideas on the table first. For my poem.
Should it be about the end of the world? Or my personal suffering? I could do something for both. What happened to me really did feel like the end of the world, to be honest, and I wish that death simply meant lost consciousness so I didn’t have to live with it. Those who die after they are raped are the luckiest of victims, in my opinion, though those who outgrow it and survive are the strongest people to have ever existed. I don’t know if that’s even possible, though, since I believe I haven’t. I’ve had a line in my head for a while which I’ve always wanted to use: God has put a nail in my head, from his old days in carpentry. I figure I should try and find a way to fit that in there.
If I’m making a poem for me, does it really have to be for everyone else?
God has put a nail in my head, from his old days in carpentry.
This throbbing horn cracks my skull into shards
I would much rather die that feel more of this pain
That’s shit! I have to find something that rhymes with carpentry.
I’ll do that high!
“Children! Go out, and fly. Eat candy, steal from stores, and do prankish mischief; live as children should!”
They all fly away, some more eagerly than others.
“Alright, people. We’re going to party! Let’s get fucking wasted!”
With a snap of my fingers, amazing food pops into everyone’s plates. Perfectly cooked, golden-brown, steamy, juicy fried chicken, fried rice straight from heaven, spit roasts, tortilla chips and salsa straight from Mexico, soda, water, beer, vodka, tequila, cigarettes, blunts, cocaine, and heroin needles.
I dive head-first into the genuinely huge pile of blow I put on the table and everyone looks at me in shock and confusion before I snort almost half of it. People follow, more cautiously, and don’t do as much as I do.
“Do as much as you want! It can’t hurt us.”
Fuck! That hurt my nose. Holy shit.
With one heartbeat, tingling rushes throughout my whole body. I feel nauseous.
I feel like I’m spinning. All of my weight is in my head. I can’t even control myself – I’m genuinely floating. I’m shaking so quickly I feel like anything I touch could get flicked away at light-speed just by my vibrations.
Holy shit. I can do anything. More! I can do more!
Heroin. I stick two needles into my left forearm with one hand and push down.
I feel down to earth, now. My heart has completely stopped and in my divinity that doesn’t kill me. I’m done breathing for that matter, too.
I feel like I could stare at a wall for five hours and be perfectly entertained.
I fall to the ground, sleep for maybe one or two seconds, and wake up with a jump.
“LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!!!”
God left a nail in my head, from his old days in carpentry.
Hammering it in shattered me to powder;
I worship my fragments as idolatry;
in fear of his awesome power.
Dear god, I beg, fix me now!
The way I am is unsatisfactory.
To the suffering you imposed, I bow,
worshiping my pain ardently.
Not good enough!
I won’t bother with cigarettes, but I’ll smoke a blunt.
I light it by rubbing my fingers until they make sparks and after smoking the whole thing in one breath my body feels warm and loose. My mind is working as slow as possible and everything seems so much more beautiful.
I can do anything, and that includes nothing at all, because everything is beautiful.
I hate it! Zina, you were right! This really is no fun. Great highs betraying my ideology for the sake of hedonism is no way to live at all. This left-hand path… my insides are pure! Have I achieved it? No amount of sex or drugs will overcome my internal path; I am the true Aghori.
The aghori take the left hand path to enlightenment: while the right handers impose external purity to cleanse themselves, the aghori walk through the dark so that everything may be light. Is that not the right path? To go through all dirt and thus live in a world where everything seems clean: that is the path I have always known I was born to follow.
I don’t want to get high! I want to be high. I want to reach greater heights and surmount bigger challenges and do everything I can do to improve and progress. Oh, Zina, you were right! The pursuit of perfection is the human condition. To save everyone and make a perfect world! I want to be perfect!
My greatest flaw is greed, but it has propelled me to great heights. Nevertheless, I despise it as I despise myself. What great charity shall I perform? Helping people? Is that not what I want? Is that not my greed?
The only thing I can despise… the only thing I hate with all my heart is to make others suffer. Shall I do that to cure my greed? Do things I hate to fix myself? But do I not want that, then? Is every possible choice I can make some great act of greed? Is to deny myself anything, in response, not greedy as well? How shall I solve my dilemma? I must think.
To the top, once more! To mount Everest!
23:38:57 remaining
“Sahara, I expected to find you here!”
“Hello, demigod.”
“Hello, Sahara.”
She’s sitting down as I once was, on the summit. Enjoying the view.
“Isn’t it a beautiful view?” I asked.
“Yes, it is.”
“I have a dilemma I want to share with you.”
“Sure, share it then. With a cigarette, too.”
“Ha! I would’ve never expected you to smoke.”
With a snap of my fingers I create a cigarette and a lighter. I’ve made it a tad bit warmer here so that it can actually light
“I don’t, but the world’s ending, so I might as well. Everything I believed was right was wrong; I have nothing to do but enjoy myself.”
She sparks the lighter with two hands, using one to start the gas and the other to flick the flint. She’s not used to this.
She continues: “what’s your dilemma?”
“I want to be perfect. I want to fix my greed, but everything I could do I would want to. If I chose to do something against my desires, would I not do it out of greed?”
“Then don’t be perfect.”
Oh. That’s right.
That’s the answer, isn’t it?
“I don’t want to do that.”
“Then you’re right about being greedy.”
She takes a puff of the cigarette and starts coughing her lungs out.
“Wow! That’s rash,” she said.
“Yeah, they’re like that the first time.”
“God! I feel sick already. Fuck that.”
She tossed the cig down the mountain.
I snap my fingers and made it disappear.
“No littering!”
“Sorry.”
“I’m quite unsatisfied with letting myself be unsatisfied.”
“Yeah, you have to learn to stop wanting.”
“Are you a buddhist? With the Aghori talk I assumed you were Hindu.”
“Dad’s hindu, mom’s buddhist. I guess I lived with a mix of both.”
“Interesting.”
“Yeah.”
“Um… so… uh…”
“Ran out of things to say?”
“Pretty much.”
“You interested in religion?”
“I suppose. I’ve had mostly all knowledge flood into my head as I rose to godhood and they all seem so interesting.”
“I agree.”
“Have you heard of the Zoroastrians?”
“Yep.”
“They’re pretty cool.”
“Yep.”
“You’re bad at talking!”
“Ha. Yep.”
“Oh, screw you.”
She laughs. It’s muffled by her thick clothing.
“Sorry, it’s hard to talk with everything going on right now,” she said.
“I suppose. I do sincerely apologize, if you didn’t want to die.”
“It’s alright. Tell me, god, will I be reincarnated?”
“Yeah. Your soul will go somewhere better.”
“What’s it like?”
“Here, but a bit more mediocre.”
“What’s so ‘better’ about that?”
“There’s nothing wrong with it. No greed, no evil… it’s perfect.”
“I guess you’re right about that, but there’s probably more. Tell me more.”
“It’s a huge forest… it’s the body of one of my fellow gods. His name is Kigali. There’s fruit and trees – it’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong. Hell, you can even fly there! Nothing has flavor, there’s nothing bad to make the good actually good. It’s all equal, there is nothing relative about it. I’m sure you’d tell me that I could’ve picked somewhere that does have flavor, but does it matter if nothing does?”
“Yeah, things should have flavor.”
“Why? If you grow up without it, does it matter?”
“Why wouldn’t you want to?”
“If you never knew about it in the first place.”
“Tell me what raised you to think like that.”
After absolutely no reflection, I responded, “someone who gave me nothing.”
“And were you satisfied?”
“No.”
“Are you chasing satisfaction?”
“Of course I am! That’s my dilemma.”
“Then stop. Sit here and admire the view, as you are.”
“I will, for a little bit.”
“Maybe it’s better having to learn to live unsatisfied.”
“If that’s you agreeing with me, then yeah.”
“Only a little bit. There is too much suffering here, I give you that.”
“I know.”
“You know? Or do you know?”
“I know.”
“What happened?”
“I’d rather not tell you.”
“The world’s ending in a day.”
“It’s not because I’m embarrassed. It hurts to talk about.”
“Hm. Rape?”
I looked at her, stunned, though I suppose that I made it obvious.
“I’ll take that as a yes. It’s okay, me too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. As you move on, it’s easier to talk about. It stops hurting so much, but it really does. If I said his name, I would cut my tongue off right after.”
“Yeah. I get it.”
“How long ago?”
“Today.”
“Oh.”
“For me it felt like a bit longer, I spent some time dead, I suppose.”
“Quite blunt! Yeah, I guess.”
“You?”
“Few years. When I was a kid.”
“That why you’re climbing the mountain?”
“Yep. Easier to do this than get over my problems.”
“That’s how it goes, isn’t it?”
“You climbed a much bigger mountain than I did, so I figured you’d know. What’s it like being a god?”
“Boring, frankly. I can do anything. I have nothing more to do. I gave myself a day to get my own things in order, and so that everyone else would too, but I’m already bored.”
“Why not end it quickly?”
“It’s all part of an elaborate plan, I guess. It’s my friend’s job, and I don’t want to rush him.”
“Tell me about it.”
“He’s death. Death is gravity itself. Our world is held by gravity, if he dies, then so does life.”
“That makes… a little sense. Hope I’m smart enough to be getting it.”
“If you want me to go a little deeper I can.”
“No need.”
“Alright.”
“Uhh…”
“Am I the bad talker now?”
“No,” she laughed, “there’s just so much going through my head right now.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I’m frankly quite mad at you, but that’s all right.”
“For ending the world?”
“Yeah.”
“My apologies. I knew it’d be hard.”
“Yeah.”
“What else?”
“I feel weak. I’m mad at you but you can’t even see me acting out.”
“Why does that make you weak?”
“If I can forgive, then I should be strong, right? I can’t be angry. I have no other choice. I feel weak.”
“Punch me, then!”
“If you want me to, am I being strong?”
“Fair point.”
She punched my cheek by surprise. She shook her hand in pain – my body is durable now.
“Ow!” she said.
“Uhhh. ow.”
“That didn’t hurt, did it?”
“No.”
“Did I do a good job?”
“Yeah, I didn’t see it coming.”
“Nice.”
“Do you want to go home?”
“I don’t really have one.”
“I see.”
“I’m not actually homeless… I mean that I hate my home. Too much suffering passed there.”
“There’s a party going on in mine, if you’re interested.”
“I’m not.”
“Alright then. Where do you want to go?”
“Can I speak with death?”
“Do you really want to?”
“Yeah.”
“I should make you a god first. Otherwise you’d, like, die in space.”
“He’s in space?”
“He’s a black hole, I think.”
“Oh, that makes sense.”
“Yeah. I don’t really know how to do it.”
“You made it warmer here, right? It’s burning. Just make it warmer up there, make me durable. Stuff like that.”
“Sure.”
We vanish into space, back with Namuš.
She starts puking. I’ve made it warm, and I’ve made her durable.
“Hey! Don’t puke so close to him. He’s gonna suck it up.”
I fly her far enough away that the gravity of some other celestial body sucks up her vomit.
“Sorry.”
23:26:02 remaining
We fly back and are at the mouth of the black hole.
“Are you sure you want to go in?”
“Yeah.”
Her body and mine stretch apart and into the mouth of the divine god of death Namuš.
Gravity pulls us down, and Namuš has made ground for us.
“Hello, Kaikki! Who is the friend you have brought?”
“My name is Sahara.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, mortal. My name is Namuš.”
“You two are hitting it off well!” I interjected.
“Uhh, I guess,” Sahara responded.
“I must respect anyone that my friend considers a friend as well,” Namuš said.
“Likewise, dear friend! Is there anyone you want me to meet?” I asked.
“I am quite the lonely god, unfortunately.”
“I am even more happy to be your friend, then! Let me ask a question: does time pass here?”
“Yes, dear friend! If it did not, could I count down to the end of the universe?”
“An amazing and eloquent answer! Thank you, my friend.”
“Do you guys really talk like that?” Sahara interjected.
“Hey! I’m talking with my friend. I can talk with him however I want! I respect him,” Namuš and I responded in unison.
“Alright.”
“Sorry if that sounded mean,” I added.
“Wow. You really are human!” they said together.
“See? You’re hitting it off well!”
“Ha! I suppose we are. Mortal, Kaikki and I agreed to talk about books. Do you so wish to join our conversation?”
“Sure! I love reading. What’s your guys’ favorite?”
“The Bible,” I said.
“Crime and Punishment!” said Namuš.
“I love Dovstoevsky. Kaikki, that was a lame answer,” Sahara said.
“Fine! Thus Spoke Zarathustra. I love it so much I’ve tried to fit ‘thus spoke Kaikki’ into sentences in the past.”
“Wow. Are you for real?”
“Unfortunately.”
“I like Miyamoto Musashi’s The Five Rings.”
“Oh! That’s a great pick. Do you fight?”
“Yeah, sometimes. I’ve boxed and done BJJ.”
“Namuš, have you ever been into a fight?”
“As birthing gods, I had a fight with Elämä,” he said.
“Fitting!”
“Namuš, did you have a body in the past?” Sahara asked.
“I would love to experience movement, but no. You know of our battle! It was called the Big Bang. I lost, unfortunately, but it was a fight I fought hard in.”
“Ha! You got your shit rocked in your first fight too, then?” I asked.
“Ha! I love your language, Kaikki! Yes, I did.”
“Me too!”
“Who’d you fight?” Sahara asked.
“Yes, tell us!” Namuš added.
“Uhhh… my girlfriend.”
“You lost to a girl? You have a girlfriend?” Sahara asked, tauntingly.
“She died.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t let that stop the conversation! I did lose to a girl. She beat my ass.”
“Ha! Really?” Namuš taunted.
“Yeah, we were sparring for the fun of it and she completely bodied me.”
“Really?” Sahara asked.
“Yeah. What about you? Leave me alone, bro! I know I got my ass handed to me by a girl but what about you?”
“Ah… it was in high school I think? I tore some girl’s hair out!”
“Really? That’s vile!”
“Ha! Barbaric!” Namuš added. I think he said that more-so ironically but it’s very possible part of it was motivated by hate.
“What happened?”
“Nah, you tell me first.”
“Alright! We started off playfighting, like couples do.”
I’m reminiscing. With a smile, I say, “and she hit me a little hard. She felt bad about it, but then I brought up sparring for the fun of it. Fighting’s always been against the rules, right? We broke a lot of rules together,” I laughed.
“So? What happened next?” Sahara asked.
“She was like ‘ok!’ and punched me in the gut. Next thing I knew I was on the ground in an arm-bar! I used that on Zina in her honor.”
“Ha! Really? Romantic!” Namuš chuckled.
“Who’s Zina?” she asked.
Namuš answered for me: “he was the god of the dream before Kaikki.”
“You fought a god?” Sahara gasped.
“Oh… yeah.” I answered. “Most of the people here have!”
“I suppose! Tell us about it!” Namuš said.
“It was maybe for about a day? I kept getting my ass handed to me until I started fighting like an animal. I kinda hated it.”
“I saw his death, you know.” Namuš said.
“Really?”
“I see them all.”
“What killed him?”
“He was a god; it could have only been himself. He saw with your eyes and lost all will to live.”
“That’s sad,” Sahara said.
“Yeah, that really is,” I responded.
“What’s it like to have killed someone?” she asked.
“Did I really kill him?”
“I think not,” Namuš said.
“I did cause his death, right?”
“I suppose, though he chose to die.”
“I guess.”
“If you want, Sahara, I can answer for you.”
“I thought you said you didn’t cause death.”
“I don’t; but I’ve seen many.”
“That makes sense.”
“It’s too morbid, don’t tell me,” she said.
“It’s not as bad as one would think,” he said.
“If you want to say it, say it.”
“They do it with fear or anger. That’s often how you humans do it. It’s pathetic! It’s sad. All sinners are victims of their own sin.”
“I suppose,” I said, “I believe I am of my own as well.”
“Me too, honestly,” she said.
“I have little will to commit sin with, but part of me is sad with killing my sister,” he said.
“Even if you hate someone, it’s hard to hurt them,” she said.
“It is,” I added.
“It’s all a matter of willpower,” he responded.
“It always is,” I said.
“Stop brooding, guys! Let’s do something more fun,” she interjected.
“Like what?” I asked.
“Ummm… I don’t know.”
“We should fight!” Namuš proclaimed.
Sahara and I looked at him shocked and partially embarrassed. Does he know we’d all lose to him?
“I could never defeat gravity!” I said.
“Like, karaoke or something.” she said.
“Ha! That’s an excellent idea,” Namuš said.
“Namuš, you like music?”
“Yes! My favorite band is Pantera.”
“That’s quite fitting, my friend! I love them. My favorite is Pearl Jam.”
“I like Deftones,” Sahara said.
“We all like pretty… moderately, kind of maybe somewhat similar stuff,” I said, with a smile, “are we going to sing?”
“Yes!” Namuš chuckled.
With a snap, I create a karaoke machine.
“Impressive, my friend!”
“Thank you, friend. Who wants to pick a song first?”
“I shall. 10’s by Pantera.”
“MYYYY FOESSSS,” I sung.
“Yes! That one.”
I pull it up on the machine (it has every song ever made) and hit play. Namus floats the mic up to the space between Sahara and I, as if he were really with us, and the space feels more well-lived.
23:10:30 remaining
Namuš sings, and I do the background vocals:
“My skin is cold (My skin is cold)
Transfusion with somebody
Morose and old (Morose and old)
Drop into fruitless dying
It was tempting and bared
The whoring angel rising
Now burning prayers
My silent time of losing”
He’s a surprisingly amazing singer. His morose voice already fits for metal vocals and one gets the sense he had practiced this in his free-time.
He passes the mic to Sahara for the first chorus, and she sings in deafening screams:
“My foes
They can’t destroy my body
Colliding slow
Like life itself”
He passed the mic to me, and I figure he knew that I had just gotten high as the clouds, and I sung the next verse:
“Long for the blur
We cannot dry much longer
Cement to dirt
Disgusted with my cheapness”
Together we three sang the next chorus:
“My foes
They can’t destroy my body
Colliding slow
Like life itself
My foes, my foes
They can’t destroy my body
Colliding slow
Like life itself”
Sahara and I banged our heads to the music as Namuš’s gravity pulsed along with us, and we sang the chorus again once more:
“My foes
They can’t destroy my body
Colliding slow
Like life itself
My foes, my foes
They can’t destroy my body
Colliding slow
Like life itself, like life itself”
23:05:41 remaining
“That was great, guys,” I said.
“Yeah. Namuš, I wouldn’t have expected you to be able to sing like that!” Sahara said.
“Ha! I am a god! I can sing however well I want!” Namus chuckled.
“Do we want to do more?” I asked.
“I should probably get home and say goodbye to people,” Sahara said.
“Do you want me to bring you home?”
“Yeah, actually. That’d be great, but it was fun!”
“One more!!! Then you can leave.”
“Sure, I guess.”
“Only if you’re okay with it.”
“I mean… I want to go.”
“Alright, but I know it’s not because you have people to attend to. You were satisfied on Everest before.”
“I don’t want to be around you guys.”
“Alright. I understand.”
“Thanks.”
“Bye, Sahara! It was fun.”
“Yeah!”
I snapped and she teleported to her home. I wanted to listen to Porch, or Black. One of those songs which I had dedicated to Sishkur in my mind, those which always hold value to me by relation to her.
the song i dedicated to you in my mind
once upon a time
a song you’d never heard, one i hold dearly
i listen to it now and see you clearly
“Why did you let her leave?” Namuš asked.
“She wanted to.”
“Aren’t you mad she’s angry at us?”
“I understand her. Part of me is angry too.”
“Why?”
“I wouldn’t want to be a victim of my own plan.”
“Is there anything you can do about it?”
“I’ll try to find out, but I don’t know yet.”
“What could you do?”
“I want to make sure people show up at Kigali with their consciousness intact.”
“But to do that, they would have to die normally.”
“I’ll kill them all.”
“Wasn’t the point of asking me to wipe out life so that they wouldn’t suffer dying?”
“I can do it both ways. There’s some way! I just don’t know what to do. Sahara talked so much about being okay with being unsatisfied, but I can’t do that. I’m greedy! I hate being greedy. But greed is what brings me to great heights, right? I will find a way no matter what I do.”
“How will you find a way, my friend? Maybe it’s okay to be unsatisfied.”
“Maybe it is, but I know someone who has sacred knowledge beyond that of even mine.”
“Who?”
“The Massu.”
“You’re going to find the Massu?”
“You know him? I remember Zina knowing him.”
“I do. We all do.”
“How?”
“‘The Massu’ is just a title. His real name is Elämä.”
“He’s Elämä?”
“Would it not be fitting that the god of life is alive?”
“Why would a god have done all those things to us?”
“Life is suffering no matter where you are.”
“I need to go. Goodbye, my friend.”
“I understand, my friend. Goodbye!”
