Rain (23:03:29 to 20:50:56)
I think by this point I have betrayed the initial philosophical piece that Rain started has and turned into into a psychological experiment to put someone in the mind of someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. There’s not much to say at this point. It’s just a clingy toxic romance that I deified because I myself was living and worshipping one.
As always, be warned. Though this story has been getting tamer over time, it’s not completely PG. I doubt many people will enjoy it as it is now. I wrote it to write something and get over stuff I had to, and it was thus written for me. There are swear words, toxic relationships, murder. Actually it starts with murder. And gambling!
23:03:29 remaining
I vanish. I move at speeds, driven by anger and confusion, too high for even my fellow gods to notice me. Where else would I go but the Eternal Devotion, Summer Prayer?
I crash through the ceiling.
Everyone who was once partying has been completely pulverized. Everything is red – the walls, the coke, the food, and the ground is covered in an extremely thick pool of blood. Bits of coarse flesh and powdered bones float in the blood.
“MASSU!” I scream. Everyone in this hemisphere must’ve heard me.
I snap my fingers. The whole compound vanishes into dust, and all that is left is the overwhelmingly large pool of blood around me and the swaying forest surrounding it. This blood. This fucking blood! This fucking temperature. Not too hot, not too cold, as if someone had sat in it for an hour. As if it came from someone! As if it came from my friends, my family, my enemies! This blood, this is what makes us human! The rain falling on us!
Sin! Everything we do is sin, but that’s okay! We are forgiven. This blood… This rain! This is the blood of birth. This is the blood that comes when a virgin’s hymen is torn! This is the blood of murder, of a woman’s period, of self harm. Of the beautiful, of the natural, of the ugly and synthetic: this is blood! That blood I despise… my blood, I despise my blood! This is not my blood! This blood is one which I despise because of how it came to be.
The Massu – no, Elämä – is standing where his room must’ve been.
“ELÄMÄ! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”
“Please! I’m trying my hardest to show death that I define him.”
“ARE YOU NOT HELD BY GRAVITY, FOOL?”
“Oh, partially.”
“MASSU! I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY OWN HANDS.”
“And? You can’t do that! You’re a baby god.”
“I am like a snake; my venom is most potent in my youth. Massu, what have you done?”
“I killed them, silly!”
“Life himself should not be able to kill.”
“Himself? Why would a god have gender? I’ve heard you speak! You used to think I was a woman; the truth is, life is something between the two. You must be thinking! Life is androgyny, then! No, silly! Life is sex. Conception, creation, love and loss. Life is to have loved then to watch your lover die! Life is to have had your child and watch them drift away; life is to feel joy, and life is to feel pain! That is the nature of life that you have come to see, my child. Life is rain, and life is the drought! They are two and one.”
“That’s why I’m killing you.”
“Oh, but you aren’t! In what world could you?”
“You’re bluffing, you’re manipulative. You know I know that your existence only is possible with death’s, and you also know that I’m horrified of you! You think I’ll believe any lie you tell me? You are the king of liars, life!”
“King? I thought I told you I wasn’t a man!”
With one snap of his fingers (I’m sure he did this solely to mock me), he transforms.
He is Sishkur.
She takes her shirt off and says, “aren’t I beautiful?” before putting it back on.
While I’m quite confident that my face had contorted into a shocked grimace with nothing but fear and regret behind it, I tried my hardest to stay calm.
“No. I hate you,”
“But didn’t you tell me you love me?”
“I didn’t know!”
“Why should that change anything? I’m the same girl you fell in love with. C’mon! You can’t lie to me! I can see it! Part of you knows you love me. You love me, Kaikki, and I love you too! I love you more than anything!”
“You can’t trick me into liking you. It was all different! You made everything bad ever happen to me. Just because I know that now, I will hate you forever.”
“You see it too, stop trying to fight it! You love me. Come with me, Kaikki. Spare me! Tell Namuš off. You can live with me forever, we can spend eternity together. You and me, Kaikki! It’s me, Kaikki. Sishkur. You told me you’d love me forever! What happened to that? Please! Please love me. I love you so much, why won’t you love me back?”
“You hurt me.”
“I’m sorry, Kaikki. I’m so sorry! I spend every day rolling it back and forth in my mind. I regret it all. I’ll never do it again. I’ll change!”
“I know you’re lying to me. You can’t trick me! I’m not stupid anymore.”
“You were never stupid. Kaikki, you’re so smart!”
Would it be so bad to fall into this poison once more?
Yes.
“I don’t need to convince you to hate yourself, just know that I do.”
For one instant, for one single instant, I saw through her. The muscles in her face, those which twitch when you frown, had, for one instant, flickered. They tugged her face, just one moment, into a frown. Subconsciously, she was sad. But why? Because I’m not falling for her? Because I’m not falling for her tricks? What on earth is even happening?
I get it. She knows I know. She knows I can see. She’s tricking me, even now!
Fuck! I’m going crazy. Everything she can do to me just makes me go crazy.
I need to leave!
If only I could see inside her mind for just one moment, I wouldn’t have to feel this way.
“You want to see inside my mind, I take it?” she asked.
Is she trying to tell me she’s winning? Whatever psychological war we’re having – is she that far ahead of me?
“I don’t particularly care about it.”
“You can’t lie to me. I read minds. Do you want to hear my story? Do you want to understand me? Don’t you?”
“No, bitch.”
“Ow! Kaikki… you’d really say that to me? That hurts, you know. But it’s okay! I forgive you,” she smiled.
I genuinely can’t, for the life of me, tell if she’s crazy or trying to manipulate me.
Just one hint of doubt, and I’ll undo every step I’ve taken in my plan. If she convinces me that she is independent of death, then killing Namuš means she will run rampant; and if I abort my scheme, then she will survive. She wants me to abort!
Or, does she want me to think she does? Does she want me to think that because she really wants to kill death?
I have the doubt within me already!
Had I been born, just for this? Just to kill death, and let life follow whatever schemes she wants? For her to make us suffer, so that we one day feel happy later?
Is that the meaning of my life?
The very ideals of life exist in opposition to mine! I exist against life.
Free will! It seems to me a myth!
I am composed of those who I have met before; if that were planned, then so am I. Am I just a cog in something greater!
No! Control is a myth. I am a god! I am uncontrollable. I can do ANYTHING.
No amount of intellect can read a manic mind! I shall force it once more. I will bring myself the power to end life on my own terms – so simply that nobody can stop me; so simply it is foolproof. Large boulders may crack, but a tiny pebble will not!
I will become the strongest pebble.
22:54:00
I vanish, as I have many times, back to the realm of Namuš.
“Namuš, I have a question for you friend; along with it comes a worry.”
“Ask and tell, my friend.”
“If life did not depend on you, what would happen when you die?”
“The balance would shift, and it would become the strongest god. Knowing that fool, it would make itself the only.”
“I believe that may happen.”
“What drives this belief, friend?”
“I spoke with life.”
“Life is manipulative.”
“Life is my father; life manipulated me my whole life. Am I just a cog in his plan? I do not understand even my own thoughts. They are my own, yet so easily influenced; am I myself, or am I his?”
“Life is the most cunning god. To outwit them would be nearly impossible.”
“What if I can do it?”
“It may be possible, but not likely, my friend.”
“I fear there’s no choice.”
“There is in fact not. This brings me great worry, my friend.”
“Likewise. I am so afraid, Namuš. I really am. It’s hard to put into words! I feel like a fool now, but whatever foolishness I feel in the moment is nothing compared to that which I feel in hindsight looking upon my life. Everything I knew was made specifically to control me, and I can feel the reverberations of those actions bouncing in the walls of my body, even today. Am I meant to be here? Could a human really defeat a god? I did. Was that because a god helped me? Because she made sure I could? I feel worthless.”
“You are my only friend, this brings you tremendous value.”
“But what if I was meant to be?”
“It makes no difference to me.”
“It does for me. I want to be powerful. I want to have control. I’m greedy, Namuš! I’m being told I have nothing. Not even agency.”
“Kill yourself.”
“No.”
“You have agency, then. And life.”
“You expected me to say ‘no’, so you could say that.”
“That is true.”
“I have no agency. Is everything I do not a reaction to some initial cause? Life is the cause of everything in my world. One action which sparked thousands which each spark my own; it is all something someone witty enough could plan out.”
“Who could logically do all of that?”
“A god.”
“You give us too much credit.”
“I am human, still. I have no choice but to.”
“To blame it on your humanity! This proves you surely have no agency.”
“Ah, shut up!” I laughed, “there’s always a cause for something.”
“Do something without cause, then!”
“Can something exist without exigence?”
“I do.”
“I am not you.”
“Then I will do it for you.”
“Thank you, my friend. How will we fix this?”
“Let me speak with Elämä and I will find out if your plan will succeed.”
“Shall I make you a body?”
“I am gravity! I will form one on my own.”
I vanish once more as a strong wave of gravity follows me back to the Eternal Devotion, Summer Prayer. With it, gravity stops for one instant.
I catch glimpses of dust and trees collecting into the shape of a human body, but I am more focused on Elämä’s reactions.
Stone-cold. Poker face. Nothing whatsoever.
Annoying!
A strong wind pushes down, signifying gravity’s arrival. I glance to my left to see him: the body that Namuš had made.
A young man, about 5’7, with short black messy hair. A lukewarm complexion that was tan but not leaning towards white or black, and with no distinct race of origin. He had a very serious, but youthful face. His eyes were distinctly sad, and his mouth was profoundly duck-shaped. He spoke without moving his mouth, as if he were simply a puppet (though I suppose he was), and shared the same voice as he always had.
A smile – artificial, likely, but very natural in appearance – washes over Elämä’s face as she says, “Hello, brother! How have you been?”
Namuš responds, matching her upbeat energy, saying: “I’ve been good, sister! It’s nice to meet once more. How have you been?”
I don’t know if he’s actually happy to see her or not; I would assume he hates her with all his heart, but he’s also not piloting a human body in a way where one could extract any emotion or intention from it.
I believe that only an inhuman god could outsmart Elämä, and I hope that this kindness is part of some plan, so I will not question it.
Elämä glanced at me and flashed a smile, acknowledging my confusion, which I had not known appeared on my face. It was as if she was speaking to me, saying “it must be weird. I agree, partially, but Namuš is my bitch just as much as he is yours.”
She speaks: “I have been good, brother! It’s good to hear that you’ve been doing well. Tell me, what business do you have with this mortal?”
“This is no mortal, sister. This is the new god of the Dream.”
“I believe sincerely that I could kill him if I so wanted to.”
“The god of life, killing? What a joke! Sister, have some sense.”
“Oh, sorry, was it your job?”
“Sister, you’ve heard me say thousands of times that I am not the one killing.”
“I know! I’m just pulling your leg.”
“I can never tell when you are, sister.”
So many things are going unsaid. Namuš is willingly putting himself out in vulnerability, mocking her murder: they both hate each other with their entire forces, but neither was willing to engage in aggression until Namuš started it. He was first to bear his arms, and along with this vulnerability he openly acknowledged that he often cannot sense his sister’s intentions.
I’m sure she’s thinking to herself what his are.
I feel like I’m learning how to lie at incredible speeds. Just one more phrase, and I can be at their level.
A quick smile flashes over Namuš’s face – the subconscious type, but it was surely placed on purpose, considering the body he pilots feels no emotion, and Elämä, for the first time, openly grimaced.
I completely glossed over her threat to me.
That’s a little worrying.
After an incredibly brief period of silence in which no party knew what they had to say to further the conversation, Elämä (who, in my mind, I briefly called Sishkur for just one moment), speaks.
“Brother, shall we play a game?”
“For what purpose?”
“I will tell you how to fulfill your plan if you win, and if you lose, then I will make you fulfill mine.”
She’s targeting me. Saying she has a plan. She knows I feel like I have no agency and she’s trying to make me feel vulnerable! I DO FEEL VULNERABLE! I’m weak, pitiful, and everything bad to have ever happened. Maybe I am a pebble!
“I will not play. Kaikki! Play in my place.”
Namuš! What are you doing?
“As you wish, my friend.”
Elämä starts laughing. “I don’t think either of you want to play!” she says.
“If my friend so wishes, then I will.”
“You have absolutely no agency, do you?”
Did some part of me tell her the very word I’ve been using?
“I have as much as anyone else.”
“I am life; what would you think that means?”
I snap and make three chairs for us to sit on.
I sit down, saying “I don’t know. Tell me.”
“My smart little Sade can’t even figure out what I meant? Aww…”
I must remain calm, though I want to kill her.
I snap her chair away, and she falls.
“Don’t think I forgot your threat from earlier. If we were to fight, I would bear my fangs.”
“Are you accepting you’re a baby snake? I am a hydra.”
“I will become Hercules, then.”
“In a day? In the day you have left before you fade into full divinity? Sure, Kaikki.”
I had considered it once, a few minutes ago, and the thought is so fresh in my mind that I have no choice but to let it out in some way.
I hope this confuses her, though the imminent humiliation I will receive will hurt. I cannot bear to be insulted by someone who shares the face of my first love. Of someone who was my first love.
“You were my first love, Sish. I’d do anything for you.”
She heard my thoughts and surely chose to play into them, saying “Likewise. Do you remember when we fought, so long ago?”
“Ha! When I lost?”
She laughed. Sincerely, this time, saying between chuckles, “Yeah! That one.”
I smiled the most earnest smile I have ever worn on my face and spoke: “I won’t lose next time, though! You’d better watch out.”
She put her hands up and laughed, “OH! I will, don’t worry, Kaikki.”
“I forgot you gave me that name.”
I still love her.
“Namuš added on to it. Isn’t it funny what it means?”
“Yeah! I laughed when he first told me. It’s so aligned with his ideals! And the odd twist that you came up with it first surely angers my friend a little bit.”
“So do the impossible, Kaikki Mitä Haluat On Minun Vastaan Siis Pyydä Mahdotonta.”
“I plan to. I will outsmart you, my love, and kill you. I will cry when I do.”
“My love? How I’ve longed to hear that! Kaikki, I really do love you. I love you more than anyone ever will, ever has, and ever could. The person you’ve become now makes me so proud, Kaikki, do you know that? I’m sorry that you think I betrayed you.”
She’s playing mind games. I’m trying not to cry, and it’s probably quite obvious, especially to her, and I just want to hope this is all real.
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“Why am I doing what?”
“Playing with me.”
“Would you call it a lover’s quarrel?”
I’m openly crying at this point.
I’ve found that, throughout my life, having been spared true care and compassion for so long, that the only thing – above pain and loss, above tragedy and sorrow – to make me cry is having someone show me that they really care. I wish I could show everyone how happy it makes me. How sad I feel in comparison, of course, is what makes me cry. Every time it reminds me how little people care about me. Why doesn’t anyone care? I do everything to help people. I’ve put my blood into making everyone happy, forever, in paradise, and people get angry at me. I can’t party with my family because I’m too different. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Please, someone, tell me. I just need someone to tell me what to do right. I can’t do it all on my own, please.
Namuš walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I stand up and hug him. His body is so artificially hot that it somehow quells my internal cold – that which has bothered me for so long, as nothing else has.
“Are you okay, my friend?” he asks.
I start crying more.
“I’m back to when we met.”
“I understand. Sit, my friend. I’ll take it from here.”
Namuš gets in my seat and I in his.
“What are you doing to my friend, you wench?” he asks, “are you so starved for attention that you would hurt someone you fathered just for one itch of emotion? What strange, detached creature are you, where such suffering brings you joy? What world would anyone create where the only path to happiness is suffering? You are disgusting, enchantress. You shall never speak to my friend again, for you have hurt him so much before. You wear his dead lover’s face! You do it to hurt him. You disgust me. You disgust the only family you have, witch. You are disgusting.”
With regret and anger filling her being, angry at Namuš for insulting her fragile pride, and regretful for having spurred it, she speaks: “don’t you hate mortals? Quit betraying yourself. Or do you love him? I love him. -”
I believe she threw that bit in just to make me cry more.
“- You’re simply finding excuses to like a mortal. Calling him a god? Please. You two met when he wasn’t.”
“I never said that I like him because he’s a god, sister. He’s a good man. He’s an honest man, and a kind one.”
“Honest? The first thing he ever did to me was lie.”
I lunged to speak, but Namuš said what I wanted to anyways.
“Isn’t that all you did to him?”
“Did he ever ask if I was a god? No.”
“Wouldn’t it have been important for him to know?”
“I suppose! It’s all in the past now.”
I never once believed that my depression would be as strong as my mania, and for that reason I have solemn even thought about it, but for one moment I feel it overpowering everything.
I do not want to do anything. I do not want to think, I do not want to speak, I do not want to see or hear anything at this moment. That which I crave is death, for the thing I crave more – the creation of paradise – seems so impossible. I seem so inept.
I want to live with you, now, but you’re too far away. I’m too tired to walk over there.
Without even snapping, reality warps around me. I stand as Sishkur falls into my arms, and we embrace.
God has put a nail in my head, from his old days in carpentry.
My hammer has no back; I can only push further.
The absence of my love disheartens me,
I can’t help but think I hurt her.
I’m crying everywhere. I want someone to talk to. Why am I so lonely? Do I really deserve this?
Everyone loves me but nobody sees me. I am a beautiful radiant god but nobody cares to see what’s beyond that. The only person to have ever loved me was a manipulative liar but that’s the only time I’ve ever felt real joy. My life fucking sucks! Everything fucking sucks. Why? Even the good shit had to get turned sour because of her. I was so happy with her, why did she ruin it?
A memory – one that may have been reformed in moments of depression, or one that may have truly occurred.
“Why do you feel sad, Kaikki?” She asked.
“It just happens sometimes.”
“No, tell me. I want to know.”
“I’m being honest, it just happens sometimes.”
“It doesn’t ‘just happen’ sometimes.”
“I’ve been through so much that it catches up with me every once in a while, you know?”
“Then what’s stopping you from being happy like you often are?”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
“You don’t work in any particular normal way whatsoever.”
“I – yeah, you’re right, honestly.”
“Then make yourself happy.”
“How?”
“You’re the only one that can know how.”
“You make me happy.”
“I won’t be here forever. I’ll die one day.”
“If you do, I’ll follow.”
“No, you won’t. You’ll know how to survive without me. How to be happy on your own. I will die, and you will survive. Maybe I’ll even die for the sole purpose of continuing your life; sacrificing myself for my one and only love.”
“You know I wouldn’t let you.”
“You’d learn to let me. I can do whatever I want. So can you.”
“So, how do I make myself happy?”
“Before I met you, there was only one thing I could think about.”
“What was it?”
“The sun; the overwhelming beauty of nature, that everlasting image in my mind. Now it’s you, but that’s beside the point – if I’m ever gone, and you can’t think of me, think about the sun. See how God loves you, how he created this beautiful world just for you to survive. Think about his radiance and how you are just one part of his everlasting creation, how you are beautiful in his image. How you can do anything. Nothing weighs on you, Kaikki, and it will be all lighter tomorrow.”
I am Kaikki Mitä Haluat On Elämän Vastaan.
Why would I let myself suffer like this? I can change it. I have before.
FUCK IT!
NO ME PESA VIEJONES, ¡Y MUCHO MENOS MAÑANA!
I AM KAIKKI MITÄ HALUAT ON ELÄMÄN VASTAAN SIIS PYYDÄ MAHDOTONTA! GOD OF MANIA
GOD OF DEPRESSION AND SWINGS AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN!
GOD OF EVERYTHING!
I CAN DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, ALWAYS!
Yuck! Get away from me, whore!
She read my mind! That’s cool. She spoke, “who are you talking to?”
“Oh, did I hurt your pride? Sorry! Just so you know, I’m being mean because I fucking hate you. You’re a worthless pebble that should die. Fuck you! I’ll find someone else one day, really fucking soon, and actually love them. Wait, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know I was capable of saying stuff like that! I really meant it all but I shouldn’t’ve said it. Damn! I really feel strong right now. Like really strong. I didn’t really think I could be mean. I’ve spent all my life so nice, you know? You do know. I was nice to you. I’ve always thought of kindness as a virtue, but if it’s all I can do then I am weak. I’m strong! I just did something strong! I am powerful. Oh, the mania! I’ve been waiting for so long for you, my true love. The momentum from rising! To be low to be high once more! I am so fucking high right now. Elämä, you’re so right! Life really is defined by ups and lows. That’s why I really fucking need to make paradise. Shit! I’m swearing so much.”
“Are you human?”
“No, don’t you get it? I never was.”
“What are you?”
I grab my face and shift it into hers.
“A mosaic of everyone I’ve ever met. Grinding against other souls, sparks shoot in the air… That could make a good poem! Wait, listen to this one:
“God has put a nail in my head, from his old days in carpentry
My hammer has no back; I can only push it further.
The absence of my love disheartens me,
I can’t help but think I hurt her. See! It’s about you.”
Some point along that poem, I had accidentally returned my face to normal.
“…”
“Too stunned to speak? I know! You’re witty, and smart, and intelligent! I’m round and simple and simply put quite retarded so whatever weird mental health problems I have that interfere with my basic cognition must be very confusing for you.”
Her face is sincerely shocked.
“Please, just speak! It can’t be just me. Please! Fuck you!!! I feel so lonely. So detached! It’s okay, I’m quite warm now. Hey! I have an idea. You talked about playing a game? Right? Or am I misremembering?”
Hold on… Yeah, yeah.
It was kind of nice being controlled.
No pains.
No worries.
Just devoting myself to helping someone I loved.
Maybe one day I’d do it all again, if I were just as dumb, but being dumb is nice sometimes too.
Sorry.
I feel like I’m in the middle now, some kind of manic depression that isn’t real manic depression. I feel sad, and happy, weak and powerful, and everything that I could ever do is done. There’s no more for me. I’m, for once, normal. I am in the middle, and I am happy. This is how things should be.
Everyone is afraid of something, and I don’t want to be cold.
I feel like God left me alone, just once, and I’m always afraid he will again.
Everyone leaves some day.
“Sishkur, can we flip a coin? Simple as that. If I win… if it lands on the edge! I’m betting on something as stupid as that. If it lands on the edge, you tell me what to do. How to win. Are you okay with that?”
“Deal, then.”
“What rules shall we choose?”
“I’m ‘kay with none, babe.”
“No, no! We need at least one.”
“Okay. Loser has to scream ‘penis’ as loud as possible after telling the other their secret.”
“Okay!”
“Make the coin, then.”
I snap and a quarter appears in my hands.
“You know, this is my first time ever holding one.”
“I have the sense you’re going to beat me, so it’ll probably be the last.”
“Why?”
“Do you believe in fate?”
“Yeah.”
“yeah.”
“Alright. I’ll flip it.”
I flick it up with my thumb.
Realizing that it wouldn’t have anywhere to land on its side if it were to simply land on the ground or I were to catch it with my hand, I snap and create a table for it to land on. Sishkur looks away from the coin, towards me, and she knows perfectly why I did it. It’s nice to be seen, even by someone I hate. I still love her a bit, though, as I will forever.
“I’m voting for heads, by the way.”
“I’m doing the edge, you’ll win on tails too.”
“We’ll do something else on tails.”
“Alright.”
It lands on tails, of course.
“I really was sure you were going to win,” we both said in unison.
“Who’s screaming ‘penis’?” I asked.
“Wanna do it together?”
“Yeah. Who’s louder?” I laughed.
“Obviously me.”
“PENIS!” we both screamed.
“You were louder,” I said.
“I know.”
“Okay.”
“What?”
“Crazy ego over here.”
“Sorry,” she laughed.
“What’s next?”
“Wanna play poker?”
“You’re totally gonna beat me!”
“If you have that mindset, yeah!”
“Let’s do it. I’ll kick your ass!”
21:59:16 remaining
Acting like I love her seems so familiar; so simple, so natural to me that I have no choice but to. It’s comfortable.
I can’t tell if her love for me is a lie, but I want to believe it’s not. I want to believe that some part of her really does, but I know that it will always only be a fraction of the whole. She loved me once, maybe with her whole heart, but that heart had to have shattered after she sent me through so much suffering.
“Sish, do you regret what you did to me?” I asked.
“Yes. Those actions are my only regrets.”
“Are you lying?”
“No.”
I snap and create a deck of 54 cards – two jokers.
“Namuš, would you shuffle this for us?” Sish asked.
Us?
“Yes, my sister,” he responded.
It shuffled on its own, strung by gravity’s hands.
He passes five cards to each of us.
“I’ve always hated Texas hold-em,” she said, “thanks for remembering, brother.”
Namuš nodded.
I have both jokers, a king of hearts, an ace of diamonds, and a jack of hearts.
It’s one of the best hands I could possibly have. Second only to straight flushes.
I have the feeling she has a royal flush, however.
“I have a royal flush. Diamonds,” she said, wiping her nose.
An obvious bluff, I have the ace.
She continues: “oh, you know I’m lying? You have a high card in diamonds, then.”
“I won’t say anything,” I reply.
“You say things without trying! I’m reading your face.”
“I’ve got a stone-cold poker face.”
“Really? It’s telling me ace of diamonds.”
She’s just trying to read my reaction, and I let out a small smile. It’s purely natural – I’m not doing it to fool her, though it sprouts with the understanding that she is fooling herself with these callouts.
“Oh! It’s not. King, then?”
I smiled. “I won’t tell you anything. I’m sorry for having been so rude earlier.”
“It’s okay, it just makes now more beautiful.”
“For me, it sours it with regret.”
Namus interrupts and asks, “does anyone want to start their bets?”
“What are we betting?” I asked.
“Pieces of information,” Elama said.
“I’ll bet whether I truly love you or not based off my starting hand,” I said.
“I’ll match it,” she smiled.
“Does anyone want to swap their cards?” Namus asked.
“I’ll swap this one,” Elama said, sliding a card face-down.
“So no royal flush?” I asked.
“Almost, I just need the ace of diamonds.”
“So, that’s why you said it first? Top of your mind?”
“I guess so.”
Does she know I have it?
Here, so far, is the information I have collected:
Something has sparked her to think about a royal flush, though this means mostly nothing considering that it’s the best hand possible. She called diamonds, which, at least to me, indicates she doesn’t have diamonds in her deck, as that would stand out to her and subconsciously put it to the top of her mental stack. Ace of diamonds, however, may be something that she needs, so she might genuinely be serious. But, if that’s the case, the best possible scenario here would be us tying.
What worries me most is the possibility that she may know that I have the ace of diamonds to rope me into betting when she really did get a royal flush. Changing cards, however? That could only mean that she needed a specific card.
I’m overthinking by this point, but she might’ve started with a straight flush and is hoping to change into a royal one. That’s her best case scenario, and something so crazy that only she would do it.
I truly believe, in my heart, that she has some control over fate.
Here’s what she knows – or, rather, what I know she knows.
I know, for a fact, that she’s aware I have a high card in diamonds. I have the distinct feeling I gave it away and that very fact is probably what assures her I do, but she does not know that.
“May I change out a card?” I asked.
“As you wish,” Namus replied.
I handed over my ace of diamonds. I need to get either an ace, queen, ten, or nine of hearts. I would prefer a royal flush, but the second best hand in poker is still very desirable.
Second best is failure compared to whatever Elama can get. I need assured victory at all costs.
I get my card back. Nine of hearts.
I have the most distinct feeling I’m going to lose.
“I fold,” I said.
“Alright. Tell me, do you truly love me?” she asked.
“Part of me does, another part hates you, though it is a portion which is much smaller.”
“I love you too.”
“I love you more.”
She chuckled, “you always complained when I said shit like that.”
“It reminds me of you. It hurts to say it, it hurts to hear, so I can only say it now. I hope I win, and that means I hope you die, but I want to be with you forever. I’ll enjoy this as much as I can.”
“It’s okay. Me too.”
“If you win, what happens to me?”
“I can’t believe you’re asking me that.”
“Why?”
“You’re an idealist, it doesn’t matter what happens to you.”
“You’re right, don’t tell me.”
“Shall we play another round?”
“Yeah, I’d love to. What’s our starting bet?”
She shows her hands. High card seven of spades.
“We would’ve tied,” I said.
“This is the worst hand possible. Think! You can’t repeat cards, so the highest you could get is a six. You need one break in the pattern, so that makes a seven. You don’t have that! It’s just as likely you got a high straight.”
“…”
“Oh, you did.”
“Yeah.”
“And you folded?”
“Anything but perfection is failure against you.”
“The point of poker isn’t the cards. It’s you.”
“That’s why I need perfect cards.”
“Now that you’ve told me this, you’re going to go all in on nothing.”
“That’d be what a normal person would do, yes.”
“And now that you’ve said that, you surely will.”
“We’re just gathering information from each other, that’s all.”
“I see it as talking.”
“I’ve come to believe that they’re one and the same for you.”
“Don’t be mean.”
“Sorry.”
“I forgive you.”
“Thank you.”
“You said you hate me. Why?”
“I believe you to be partially malevolent.”
“Why?”
“The ideal world you’ve come up with is evil. Suffering for the sake of joy is ridiculous.”
“It’s all relative.”
“We agree on that, but can you not see that there is no suffering if all is equal? Without relativity, there is no suffering.”
“Without suffering, there is no joy. I am loving, Kaikki. I love all of humanity, and as I’ve come to this conclusion I’ve seen that I hate myself more and more. I let people suffer, for what? I despise that, but I know that it leads to good things. Look at you, Kaikki. You are beautiful. You are a god. You have suffered more than anyone, and now you shine brighter. You are my most beautiful angel.”
“I love all men and women, elders and children, and even, to some extent, my enemies. They cannot suffer.”
“I don’t want them to, but it’s necessary.”
“Is there any world where I could convince you to follow my plan? To secede your power and live eternally, with me, in paradise?”
“No. And I don’t believe there’s one where you’d let me go on with my ideals.”
“There isn’t. If you die, I will follow.”
“I cannot express how sorry I am to say that I will live after you die, though I will fight with my entire efforts to make sure you do not. I must live to fulfill my goals.”
“That makes loss slightly sweeter in my mind, Sish.”
“Your death makes loss impossible for me.”
“I’m okay with it.”
“I am not!”
“I understand.”
“Do you? Do you know how much you mean to me? How much do I mean to you?”
“We could each find a way to win without losing anyone if the other simply agreed to lose. Your victory just happens to include my survival, while mine tragically has our deaths. If I win, we are to meet in the next life.”
“You’re a stupid idealist, babe.”
“I know.”
“I love you, though.”
“I love you more.”
She chuckled, and her face spoke to me: “I love you more than anyone could love anyone ever.”
She spoke: “Brother, can you pass us our next cards?”
“As you wish, sister,” Namus said.
The deck shuffles and slides cards to us on its own: I receive a six of hearts, five of hearts, three of hearts, eight of hearts, and a king of hearts.
There’s no point in counting cards when the deck reshuffles every time.
Flush, king-high. Pretty solid.
“What are we betting?” I asked.
“If I lose, I will go peacefully with your plan, assuming it comes to fruition. Likewise for yourself; if I succeed you will not fight against my plans. Only if you lose this round, of course. Or should we make a deal?”
“I’m too much of an idealist to make that deal.”
“You know I am too, my love.”
“I’ll accept that bet. Are you swapping any cards?”
“No.”
“Neither am I. Shall we bet more?”
“I check.”
“Likewise. Do you wish to show?”
“Yes.”
I spread my cards in front of her. Flush, king high, hearts. Her? Flush, ace-high, spades.
“I hope I win the next one, my love,” she said, “or this victory will have been in vain.”
“Why didn’t you bet more?”
“I wanted to let fate decide if I should follow your path or not. Can you listen to her? Listen to fate?”
“I listen to nobody.”
“That’s a little infuriating, but I can deal with that. Fate is on my side.”
“Fate brings us to tragedy, I am fighting against it at all times.”
“I hope you lose, my love.”
“I won’t complain if I do.”
“Brother, can you pass us our next hands?”
The card shuffles and passes us cards on its own, as it has twice before.
Seven of hearts, five of hearts, four of diamonds, three of spades, two of diamonds.
Almost the same hand she had.
“Starting bets?” I asked.
“Everything,” she said.
I will not fold.
“Check.”
“Do you wish to change your cards?” Namuš asked.
“Yes,” I said. I swap my seven out, and receive an eight of spades. High-card, eight! Tragic.
“Sure,” she said, passing exactly one card.
“Do you think you’re going to win?” I asked.
“No,” she said.
“I do. I’ve got a straight flush, just like last time.”
“What suite?”
“Diamonds!”
She laughed, “so you got the same hand?”
“That’s what ‘just like last time’ meant,” I laughed.
“Quit pulling my leg, my love. Really, what do you have?”
“You tell me first.”
“Royal flush, clubs,” she said, wiping her nose.
That’s her tell.
The one the Massu told me about. The one she told me about.
Ever since I came back, this was her plan.
One moment in which this very tell would cloud my judgement.
“Is that the truth?”
“Nah, I have a tell, and I know it.”
Nah.
“Do you want to bet more?”
“Sure.”
“Loser has to scream ‘penis’.”
“Are you really going to add that on the deal in which we had to lose everything?”
“Nah.”
21:03:59 remaining
“I fold,” she said.
She saw it, didn’t she?
The same vision I did.
When she told me that very word.
“Nah”.
I hate it, really, even though it’s preposterous and a stupid word to despise.
It sounds annoying and it’s such an obvious tell. I hate watching my beloved lie to me. I hate that word.
She saw it, didn’t she?
When she said it to me. That fateful day, when I thought she died. I knew then that it was her tell. She understood.
“You outsmarted me,” she said.
“I know.”
“What did you have?”
“High card, eight.”
“I had the same hand you did. Almost a royal flush.”
“I know.”
“How’d you find out?”
“I’ve only heard you say ‘nah’ once.”
“You thought of that too, didn’t you?”
“Yeah. Why’d you fold?”
“Even if I lost, nobody would stop me from lying to you. From telling you about something that was totally wrong and would completely benefit me, from saying something to put you off track from your plans and let me run rampant. The issue is, you saw through me. You saw me. You saw everything I wanted to hide. You looked past a tell I spent years crafting and saw a lie based off of one moment in our past. You, for a fact, would know if I was lying about whether or not your plan is right. I guess that’s it. I won’t go down without a fight, but your plan is right. If Namuš dies, I do too. We’re bonded.”
I reached out my hand and grabbed her face.
It was not hard, nor was it calm. It was not soft.
I grabbed her firmly, as if I were hugging her for the first time in years. It was as if I could not let go of her. I couldn’t.
“Thank you, Sish. I believe you.”
She let out a calm smile. Openly, without trying to hide it. It was not sinister, as if she had just passed a lie as the truth. It was full of love and acceptance. Part of her was glad I believed her, that I trusted her, that I still loved her, even after everything she’s done. Maybe all of her was.
If she had lied to me, I would’ve felt the heat on her face of her muscles twitching into a sinister liar’s smile.
If that had happened, that heat would have made me feel colder than I ever have before.
“You’re welcome, Kaikki.”
“How does it feel?”
“I’m sad, but I’m glad you won.”
“That’s what I would’ve said.”
“I know.”
“What are we doing next?”
“Don’t you plan to end it all?”
“Now?”
“What else is there to do?”
“Nothing. I’m quite unsatisfied now, I liked the chase. I liked competing with you.”
“I did too.”
“Are you going to go peacefully?”
“No. I’ll spend my time giving back to the people, making sure they enjoy their time. I’ll die right after. Please don’t follow me.”
“There’s not much of a choice there.”
“I suppose not.”
She vanished. It’s just Namuš and I, now.
I feel lonely now that she’s gone.
She was my world, and I told her my poem.
There’s nothing left for me now.
Everything is done.
I have nowhere to go.
I have nothing to do.
I have no progress to make.
I’m at the end of the road, with everything I’ve ever wanted, and I am empty. I am dissatisfied.
Was she right? Was Sahara right? Is this the only way to surpass my greed? To be okay with dissatisfaction?
I am a creature who must chase more. I have ran everywhere.
“Namuš, do you want to end it all now?”
“Why would we, my friend?”
“I’m bored.”
“Is everyone else?”
“No. Yeah, you’re right. We should wait.”
“What shall we do in the meantime?”
“I don’t know.”
“Is there anyone you want to say goodbye to?”
“They’re all dead.”
“Have they been reborn?”
“Maybe.”
“Shall you go see them?”
“I’ve got someone in mind.”
“Then go.”
“Alright. Thank you for the advice, my friend. What shall I do after?”
“If it is death you crave, sleep.”
“I’ve been meaning to, actually. Thank you, my dearest friend! I shall see you when I awake.”
I vanish.
20:50:56 remaining
Somewhere in Ibiza, Spain, lies a crib in a dusty but well-decorated room and a young mother crying over it. The sun shines on the baby as if it were a halo.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
She looked up at me. Her face was young but growing rapidly old with stress. Her eyes tilted down, weighed by tears. In an instant, seemingly, she had known who I was.
“No, monster, for you have ruined all.”
“I understand your pain, but you are to go somewhere better after.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
I’m more focused on the child.
The sound of its soul, the heat of its spirit, all of them match that of the woman in black.
It does not bother to look at me, for it has forgotten my soul.
I am unrecognizable, now. What have I become?
I must leave.
Far off, to space.
In front of the sun.
Shall I touch it, and feel its heat?
It’s cold to me.
Freezing.
Nothing cures this cold. It’s internal.
I hate it.
Is this why I hate blood? Because it’s just as cold as my body?
I despise it all.
Dear sun, please, you whom I love so much, will you please warm me? I beg.
Let me cuddle in your warm blanket, mother, and may you kiss my forehead goodnight.
